Lyric of the Week: SEARCH MY WAYS
I don’t know if I can face these days of awe When I think of the things I do I break through the borders and cross the lines I draw I violate my own taboos Just how far can I go when I suspend disgust Just how much do I get away with when I follow my lust It’s so hard to acknowledge that this is my flaw What’s done I can’t undo.
I search my ways and examine them On the long hard way back I try to manage my faults and handle them But it’s so hard to stay on the tracks I admit and confess I beat my breast And I make my resolutions But once that line is crossed My innocence is lost And it doesn’t matter if I receive absolution.
I don’t know if I can stand in the presence of The One When I think of some places I’ve been The dares I’ve taken for thrills and fun Make my skin crawl and my head spin Taste and smell, sight and touch Incursions into private space and such And compunctions? I admit I have none And I question the meaning of sin.
I don’t know if I can usher in a new year
If my regrets are so few I resolve to change my ways and when I do it I’m sincere But then my resolve falls through The things that are so bad for me feel so good I’d walk away from them all if I only could Atonement may fend off a judgement so severe But change is so hard to do.
©2016 The Hesh Inc.
This song is clearly about the angst I feel at the prospect of going through another emotionally grueling Jewish High Holy Day season at the end of each summer or beginning of each autumn. More than what I say in the lyrics, though, I will not confess; the details are between me and G-d.
I wrote it in the early 2000s, when I was still living at the Jersey Shore, before moving to Los Angeles. At the time I had a love-hate relationship with Jewish ritual; love because it was part of my heritage, but hate because of all the negativity involved. Shortly after I got to LA, though, I became part of The Happy Minyan, and thanks to its positive and uplifting approach to spirituality and ritual, I was able to jettison much of the guilt and bad vibes. However, year after year, a little remnant of it still manages to creep in. The song has never been recorded or performed.